Q: My husband and I are 50ish, married for 26 years, and have a 12-year-old daughter. We have both been pot smokers since our teens and we still enjoy indulging. We have kept this from our daughter and on occasion when she has smelled smoke on us and has asked if we were smoking cigarettes, we have said, “yes.” We told her we know it’s not good for your health, but that we don't smoke that much and as responsible adults, have made the decision to continue despite the potential risks. We have also told her it becomes a habit, which is very difficult to stop. She is not at all happy about this. We always smoke out of the house and away from her, but she is aware of it nonetheless. We have always supported the idea of no drugs and smoking for her. She believes it is wrong, and I would agree with her for anyone who is not an adult and can make a responsible decision.

Here we have the dilemma. In reality, we hope that she never wants to smoke anything for health and habit reasons, yet we continue to do so. She has not encountered drugs in her life yet, although she is educated about them and their potential dangers. Surely, she will seek them out in the world soon and put two and two together. We want to talk to her about our choice as responsible adults to do illegal drugs but don't know quite how to do it or what to expect as a response from her. She will know we have been deceiving her and we never have about anything else. We are extremely truthful people and discuss anything from A-Z with her. We are also a very loving and engaged family of three. We are afraid she will feel betrayed and lied to when she finds out what we are really smoking. Other than for this one issue, we never break the law or do any other drugs.

What would you suggest as a tactic in discussing this with her? Do you have educational information available on just this scenario?

A: You are not alone, since millions of Baby Boomers who smoke marijuana now have teenaged children. Given the intense anti-marijuana campaigns of the past 25 years, such parents simply do not know what to tell their children about their own use. In 2007, the San Francisco Chronicle ran an article about this very dilemma (Parenting Through the Haze), as did MSNBC Health (Ex-Tokers Wrestle with Telling Kids Not to Smoke). I also discuss this issue in Safety First: A Reality-Based Approach to Teens and Drugs, which can be ordered at our e-store.

Careful as you might be, I’d be very surprised if a perceptive 12-year-old didn’t already know that you smoke marijuana. Still, the longer you wait to tell her the truth, the more difficult the discussion.

You might begin by telling your daughter that now that she is officially a teenager, she’s grown up enough to understand complex issues. Let her know that you have thought about the health consequences, and believe marijuana to be less threatening than cigarettes and/or other drugs. On the question of illegality, you will also need to educate your daughter about how laws are made. Some laws are made with the help and support of special interest groups, and are not necessarily just — as is the case with marijuana. If you are not already doing so, you and your husband should support organizations that work to change these unjust laws. In other words, depending on the state, you may be breaking the law, but tell your daughter you’re doing everything you can to change that law.

You should also tell your daughter that your use of marijuana, as adults, does not mean it’s acceptable for her to be using it. If she shows an interest, let her know that the longer she delays, the better. Adults with problems often started using marijuana at an early age, so waiting is very important. 

Q: I believe my 16-year-old daughter is taking Ecstasy. I'm pretty sure she does it every weekend. Other mothers told me that taking ecstasy makes you lose weight rapidly. I was wondering if this is true and if I should be worried.

A: Rapid weight loss can be caused by a variety of factors or substances. While the use of MDMA (Ecstasy) suppresses the appetite while under the influence, it would not contribute to sustained weight loss. Daily use of amphetamine or methamphetamine, on the other hand, could contribute to rapid weight loss, which is the reason why so many young women and girls use it. Your daughter may also be losing weight because she is dieting.

Either way, try to open a conversation with your daughter, expressing your concerns, as calmly as possible, about her weight loss. If she admits to using MDMA on a weekly basis, please urge her to do some research and learn more about the concerns of researchers about over-use. 

Q: Some months back, my then 21-year-old son begged me to fund his heroin habit. He had some social/adjustment/psychological problems that made life nearly unbearable. He said, "I don't want to die, dad. Please help me." Naturally, I refused and directed him toward legal/prescription drugs. This morning we left my son’s body at the crematory, killed by legal/prescription drugs. Did I do the right thing in refusing to fund his drug of choice?

A: You have experienced a terrible loss. This is compounded by the fact that you feel at least partly responsible for your son’s death. Yet, you gave the best advice you could at the time, and it was right; it would have been better to manage his psychiatric symptoms with legal prescription drugs prescribed by a qualified psychiatrist. The psychiatrist would have become professionally responsible for his care, which usually means doing more than merely writing a prescription. It sounds like custodial care and therapy would have been appropriate. However, most people cannot afford to go to a psychiatrist for help let alone pay for expensive psychiatric care. Thus, your son may have obtained legal drugs “on the street” and unintentionally overdosed. We don’t know from the information you provided which was the case. But, you did what you could do at the time in what you believed were the best interests of your son. His death was not your fault. To grasp your loss emotionally you probably need further help. We recommend finding a local adult bereavement program, probably through Hospice. This will put you in contact with a counselor or support group dealing with loss and the guilt that is so often associated with it. Go to the Internet to find a resource in your area, such as www.griefnet.org, an online organization for parents who have lost their children to drugs.

Q: How do you deter a child that has been educated about the effects of drugs, but says it is just what teenagers do because there is nothing else to do? Going to movies and other activities are expensive, but alcohol and marijuana is a cheaper good time.

A: If use is frequent, booze and marijuana are much more expensive than going to the movies! So are the consequences of misuse. Don’t be sidetracked by self-justifying protests that "there is nothing else to do." There are lots of worthwhile activities available to teenagers who want to take advantage of them. Parents need to help them find such activities and facilitate.

When asked on surveys why their peers drink or use marijuana, the common responses from older teenagers are "to have fun" and "because they are curious about the experience." The problem faced by "education about the effects of drugs" is that most teens learn that a lot of their peers drink or use without negative consequences. Not all, of course, but the kids are aware of this too and don’t expect that bad things will happen to them. On average, they are right.

Wanting to have fun and curiosity about altered mental states are normal for teens.

There is no magic bullet. You can go over real (rather than hyped) dangers (getting arrested, progressing to addiction, doing something stupid or dangerous, offending others, or getting hurt or killed). It’s right to do this, but it may not convince a teenager who feels invulnerable, and many do. If this is the case, it is time to introduce information about safety. An excellent text on this and all topics related to drug use is, “From Chocolate to Morphine: Everything You Need to Know about Mind-Altering Drugs,” by Andrew Weil and Winifred Rosen, which you can read about and order on our website.

Q: Hello, I went into my 18-year-old daughter's room while she was at her boyfriend’s and found a pipe and marijuana in her purse. How should I handle this? I have talked to her about drugs, etc. often.

A: We understand why you searched your daughter’s room and purse, know you felt that you had reason to do so, and assume that you tried to discourage her from using in those frequent talks about drugs.

If you confronted your daughter, she probably responded with something like, “it’s my room and my purse and you have no right to violate my privacy!” Many parents have experienced this counter attack. It is hard to start a rational and productive conversation afterwards. A response some parents make in this situation is, “yes, you are angry at me, but this is my house, not yours, and you are my daughter and as a parent I care about you and am responsible for your well being.”

In addition, by bringing an illegal substance into your home, your daughter has endangered you. You have a personal stake in the matter, as you could be prosecuted as the responsible adult and homeowner. Your daughter should know this.

Whatever you say to your daughter about continuing to use marijuana, make it clear that you oppose the behavior, but not the person. Assure her that you love her and care deeply about her welfare, and that is why you do not want her to use an illegal substance.

On the other hand, if you want an open, trusting relationship with your daughter, you’ll have to respect her privacy.

Q: My son has been caught smoking marijuana, under-age drinking, and now doing mushrooms. We have grounded him, taken away his privileges, cell phone etc. In light of this most recent drug-taking incident, I have no idea how to punish him. Please advise. Thank you very much.

A: We understand how frustrated and anxious you must be. However, punishment hasn't worked so far, so why expect that more punishment will change your son's behavior? The first thing you need to do is take an inventory of what problems his use has caused other than use itself. For example, has his academic performance suffered? Does he have new friends that you see as undesirable? Have there been behavioral problems at school or elsewhere? You need this inventory to make your case to him and others, because he is likely to deny that drug use has caused him any problems other than the punishments you have imposed. In other words, you are the problem as far as he is concerned.

By now, your relationship with him has been seriously compromised, and that is also one of the problems resulting from his defiance. You need help.

Contact your son's school to see if there is a student assistance program or individual counselor who would be able to approach your son from a fresh perspective and provide recommendations on further action. See if there are any intervention/treatment facilities in your area that could do an evaluation and make recommendations about next steps. This is not a hopeless situation, but it is clearly a serious one and you are right to seek assistance. For more resources on treatment, please check out our website at www.safety1st.org/treatment.html.

Q: I am a recovering addict with kids who have been subjected to my drug use, as well as my family's drug use. I am now going to college and am studying to be a drug counselor. I want to use my experience and knowledge to try and help. Of course, there is a lot I need to learn. My main area of interest is helping children learn more about drugs. Not just that they are bad, but the short- and long-term effects of them. I feel that if there were more detail in the education of drugs, other than they are bad, don't use them, you'll get in trouble, or that your life will fall apart. These are very important areas to educate but maybe if they knew what the drugs were doing to their brain and bodies in the short- and long-term they might open their eyes a little is more.

My reason for writing this is to get your opinion on my outlook as well, as to see if you have any information that might help me on my research paper in this area. Maybe even some suggestions on whom I should talk to and what have you.

A: We applaud your commitment. You are right that just telling kids that, “drugs are bad,” usually does not work. But do not assume that current drug education programs fail to provide detailed information on drugs. There are over 50 federally approved curricula crammed with information about negative effects of alcohol and other drugs. You can find out about these curricula by going to www.samhsa.gov and requesting the latest manual of “Science-Based Prevention Programs and Principles” (developed by the Center for Substance Abuse Prevention).

Unfortunately, giving children negative information about drugs does not immunize many of them against experimenting once they are teenagers. This is at least partly because teens see successful, popular older teens drinking or smoking marijuana without evidence of negative effects (in most cases). Older teens are usually suspicious about what adults tell them about drugs because the information they got earlier was so one-sided. If skeptical teens know that you are a recovering alcoholic or addict and you tell them that drugs damage your brain, they may ask whether your brain is damaged. (We doubt that it is). Also, lecturing teens about drugs or sharing your own negative life experience is usually the wrong way to go. Teens want interaction and they want to introduce their own questions and experience. To learn more we suggest that you get our booklet: Beyond Zero Tolerance: A Reality-Based Approach to Drug Education and Student Assistance. Details on its upcoming publication will be found on www.safety1st.org this summer.

Q: What should be the consequences for our son who is a high school senior and has been using marijuana? He gets pretty good grades, but performs below his ability. He has a friend who is a year older and we feel is the one who introduced him to use.

Our son argues that there is nothing wrong with what he is doing. We are a Christian family and have told him not only is he breaking man's law but also God's law wherein we believe that the body is the temple. I have told him his Internet, car, and cell phone are in perhaps going to be lost. I don't want to come down too hard because we have not been consistent with discipline as parents. He is a late-born child and has been raised as an only child. What should we do to let him know this is a serious matter with us?

A: Your son already knows that this is a serious matter. We understand how anguished you are and, yes, angry as well. You also feel some guilt over the issue of inconsistent discipline. Let yourself off the hook. It is not likely that your son started using marijuana because of what you did or did not do.

You have warned him about serious consequences, but wonder if they are the right things to do? There is always a danger with punitive consequences for older teens. They may damage the relationship and end honest communication with you. We cannot control what our older teens do when they are away from home. If he is angry and hurt, he may continue using marijuana out of spite and to show that he is in control of his own life.

Sit down with your son and have a conversation. Before you do this, think carefully about his overall behavior. He gets “pretty good” grades, but was his academic performance better before he started using marijuana? Have there been other negative changes in his behavior (in addition to smoking marijuana) that are not just the usual signs of growing up and becoming more independent? If not, it will be difficult to convince him that there is a problem. He has a different view of marijuana than you do plus personal experience to support his view. Realistically, it’s not likely that you can change that now.

Second, emphasize to your son that you love him and care about his well being. Explain how his using marijuana affects you personally. He knows your values, but remind him that you have feelings because you care about him so much. Keep on monitoring his behavior and let him know if you perceive changes that worry you. Above all, keep the relationship as positive and close as you can. There may be a time when he needs your help and you hope that he will be willing to come to you if he does.

Q: What should I say to my child if they come home (or go to school) under the influence? Do you have a stock response or set of responses?

A: No, there are no “stock responses.” Discussion of the incident should be postponed until the effects have worn off. “I think you had better get to bed and sleep it off,” is the best response. Once this has been accomplished, it is time to talk. Rule number one is DON'T CONDEMN THE PERSON. Your relationship with that teenager is first and foremost. You disapprove of the behavior, but not the person. Make it clear that you care about his or her welfare, not your own reputation, or the fact that you are angry because he or she betrayed your confidence. While it may be satisfying to impose sanctions like grounding or early curfew, be aware that future communication may be foreclosed if you do. The tactics you will face next may be hiding and stealth. Just talk about what happened, the possible negative consequences of getting drunk or high, but also recognize that he or she may have had a good time and see the episode as a lot of fun and that you are just a silly worry wart! Your child's safety and well being is the focus, not your own feelings.

Getting high at school involves additional considerations, especially the responsibility of professionals to report proscribed behaviors by students. In most schools, punishment is the likely result, and you may legitimately feel that suspension or even banning from extracurricular activities will only harm and alienate the student (this is why many teachers keep quiet).

If it is possible, a conversation along the above lines can preserve that young person's feeling of connection to at least one adult in the school. In schools where there is a student assistance program, referrals can be made with the expectation that positive steps will be taken in the interest of the student rather than for the usual purpose of scaring other students.

This does not mean that consequences are ruled out, but the consequences in most cases should be designed to (a) keep the youth in school and (b) be coupled with positive adult assistance if needed.

Q: My 14-year-old daughter's friend is bragging about smoking weed. I know her mother fairly well but am unsure if I should tell her or stay out of it.

A: This is a difficult dilemma because on the one hand you want your daughter and her friends to be open with you. However, when you have disturbing information about someone else's teenager, what do you do with it? If you share that information with the parent, you jeopardize your open relationship with the teen. If you don't, you might be putting your daughter's friend in harm's way. Many parents considered "cool" face this problem.

There are several ways to go with this. If you think the girl's mother will handle the situation in a productive way, you should tell her. If it were my daughter, I'd sure want to know. But if you believe her mother's actions might further alienate her daughter, and not succeed in curbing the marijuana use, then you need to intervene yourself by opening a dialogue with both girls. Let them know that 14 years old is too young to use intoxicating substances of any kind, and they should delay use until they are older and better able to make responsible decisions. Then, of course, you're going to need to follow through by being involved in their lives and keeping them as busy and engaged as possible.

Q: The children reaffirmed my belief that we all learn a lesson better when we are taught by someone who has been through that situation. Why then do all the agencies that target drug prevention only hire people with college degrees and certifications? It would be more effective to get these people off the streets to talk to these kids, whether they are still using or not.

A: You are right that stories are often the best way to communicate principles of living. But this is true only when listeners believe that those stories apply to them personally. Former addicts sharing drug experiences with children (or adolescents) has been tried, with limited success. Yes, some young children may be horrified and for a time convinced that they will never drink or use drugs. But stories told by recovering alcoholics and addicts can flop with teenagers. Middle and high school students soon learn that many older teens and adults use or have used marijuana, yet appear to be functioning very well. They see that alcohol is widely available and consumed by healthy, successful people, including some of the most admired among their peers. Finally, most teenagers simply do not believe that they could become, at some distant point in the future, dependent or addicted.

There are many recovering people employed in alcohol and drug treatment and some in drug education. But most have been trained (and certified) in individual counseling and group process as well as research about alcohol and other drug use. The experienced prevention or intervention counselor knows that the client's experience is the focus, not the counselor's. This is especially true when adults work with young people. It turns out that even people with college degrees are able do this kind of work successfully.

Q: Hello! What do you suggest I do? A year ago, I decided to help one a friend who had dropped out of two schools due to amphetamine and marijuana use. We dated and I thought I could influence by serving as a role model as I don't use drugs. I tried to show her life that without drugs can be wonderful. I even started to teach her ride how to snowboard, but nothing helps as she has become very apathetic. She tells me that she's not taking drugs anymore, but I am not convinced as she continues to go play slots at the local bar where all of her so-called "friends" are - drug users - and I sometimes see her looking strange, with bloodshot eyes. My question is whether or not there is a standard or well-known method used to stop drug use.

A: You deserve credit for trying to help your friend and you should not feel badly about being unable to help her. A basic principle of intervention is that people do not quit drinking or using to please others. They may moderate or stop for a while, but pleasing someone else does not work in the long run.

Drug and alcohol abusers do not seek help until they realize they are living miserable lives because of alcohol and/or drugs. The 12-Step principle, "sick and tired of being sick and tired," sums it up. Unfortunately, many never get to this point on their own or even with help from others. Friends can assist, especially by helping the user connect their problems in living to alcohol or drugs. Never criticize or condemn the user, but rather focus on the results of use in their lives and its negative effect on others. Saying that they drink or use too much is pointless. It will only evoke denial. If you want to know more about this approach get a copy of the classic book Motivational Interviewing: Preparing People to Change Addictive Behavior by William R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick (The Guildford Press). In the meantime, take care of yourself. Tell your friend that when she is ready you will be there to help. But let go for now.

Q: How do you get beyond the cynicism of adolescence? They discount everything!

A: No kidding! However, I believe teenagers are particularly prone to discounting what adults tell them about drugs because we have used misinformation and scare tactics to dissuade them from experimentation and they see through our dishonesty.

Teens are more likely to listen to adults if they believe we are sincere about having a conversation with them about drugs. Young people have so much to tell us about their world and where drugs fit in, so listen to what they have to say. Perhaps you can acknowledge the fact that both you and your teenager have a lot to learn about drugs. Maybe you can even do research together (check out Drug Facts). Try to move the interaction from one of conflicting views to one of mutual exploration. If you admit that you don’t know everything there is to know about drugs (who does?!), your teenager may find you a more credible resource when you do have some expertise.

I believe teenage cynicism about drugs comes from knowing that too many messengers (parents, teachers) have an abstinence-only agenda. You can admit that abstinence is your preference, but that you will be honest about what you tell your teenager about alcohol and other drugs. Eventually they will become less cynical and more willing to engage and listen.

Q: I don’t want my children to use drugs. What’s wrong with telling them to ‘just say no’?

A: No parent I know wants their teens to use drugs. For the past twenty years, in school-based programs and TV and other media campaigns, teenagers have been told to ‘just say no.’ This simple slogan may work for younger adolescents, but government surveys tell us that by the time they graduate from high school, a majority (54%) have experimented with illegal drugs, and four out of five (80%) have tried alcohol.

The problem with ‘just say no’ is that it doesn’t often work for older teens. The majority of them view alcohol and marijuana as normal features of their social lives. Most report that alcohol and marijuana are easy to obtain. In this social context, parental admonitions may carry little weight.

The fact is that for most teens, ‘just say no’ has about as much impact on drug use as ‘have a nice day’ has on clinical depression.

Most parents do not approve of drug use among their teenagers. In reality, however, even “good kids” sometimes disobey their parents. Even if we ‘just say no,’ it should be no surprise that many say ‘sometimes’ or ‘maybe’ or ‘yes’ to alcohol and other drugs anyway.

See also:

A Mother's Advice About Drugs

Take Mom's Advice on College and Drinking

Occasionally parents and grandparents provide advice . . .

"At 83 and with a three-year-old diabetic grandson and a one year old, I've given much thought to our drug problem. I went through it with my two sons, now in their forties. My belief is that we start at the earliest stage possible. I've been looking for a video for pre-K that shows how the human body works, especially the digestive system. I believe if they get to understand what happens to the food and drinks they consume—the miracle of transforming that food in it's journey through our body and becoming skin, bones, blood, etc.—then they won't put bad things in and disrupt it. Nothing about drugs, alcohol, smoking at this age, that can come later after. We lay the basics: good things in, good things out."