Q: I have three elementary school-aged children whose father I divorced three years ago. He grew and used marijuana regularly throughout our marriage and afterwards. He also used methamphetamines for a little over a year (something I learned later), which made our relationship fall apart and brought me to Alanon.

Before I knew it, we separated for six months and he had the kids half time – barely able to care for them. A week later, he told me he had gotten “clean” all by himself. Is this possible? He promised to stop using all illegal substances, but after 6 months he was using again. Six months later, I decided to move out and filed for divorce.

After I moved out, I realized that I could not protect my children anymore. He openly exposed them to marijuana even though we had agreed that he wouldn’t do so. Other people have been around him that I suspect are using heroin or speed. I worry about my kids. There was a break-in a couple of years ago (4 armed men, all kids present) related to his dealing. I didn't push the point then. Instead, I kept negotiating (enabling).

I think his lifestyle is affected by his marijuana use. He keeps coming up with clean tests for court (with an occasional dirty one), but his behavior hasn't changed. At the end of the day, I don’t care what he does with his own life, but I’m concerned about our children and the lifestyle he’s exposing them to.

I feel like my best bet with them is not to make their dad look bad (he'll do that all by himself), but what do I do about the exposure? How likely is it that he's using other illegal drugs? It is better for them to see it and deal with it and simply be supportive and nonjudgmental?

I have been trying to protect them and making sure they don't lose their dad. I'm concerned about less about the marijuana use, than about him growing and dealing. He is one of many siblings who have had difficulties with serious drugs (both criminal and have gone to treatment). Do you think it’s genetic or his environment and upbringing that cause these problems?

I'm confused and uncertain about how to go forward. Ultimately I'm trying to do the best for my kids - but how?

A: The word about your ex-husband that comes to mind is “incorrigible.” Possibly this is unfair to him, but it does describe his history up to now. One thing is clear. You cannot change him, at least not with the tools at your disposal. The real question is why you have allowed this situation to go on for so long? Yes, as a general principle we don’t want children to “lose” their parent, but sometimes circumstances make a separation positive rather than a negative.

So, the real question is about you. Most women (circumstances permitting of course) would have drawn a line in the sand long ago. Why can’t you do this? Why does this apparently irresponsible man have such a hold on you? Is it really that you cannot break that attachment?

We do not know anything about your personal resources, for example. It may be impossible financially or for some other practical reasons to get him out of the picture. If this is true, you and your children are stuck in an impossible situation. If not, then you owe it to yourself and your kids to prevent him from seeing them again until his circumstances improve radically and he has stopped abusing drugs. 

Q: Can the family unit have an affect on if a person chooses to use alcohol?

A: Most people who drink alcohol in moderation usually do so without harming their families. In contrast, people who abuse alcohol can hurt and disrupt their families in many ways. Alcohol or other drug abuse is best defined in terms of direct negative effects of a person’s drinking on relationships with others, employment, trouble with the law, or finances. Less important is the frequency or intensity (amount) of drinking, although at high levels of consumption frequency and intensity are closely related to all four negative effects. Damage in any one of these areas can harm a family very seriously.

Q: What should a child do if his or her parents do drugs and the child doesn't know what to do? What are the implications of drug use on the kids whose parents do them?

A: If parental drug use does not impair the parents' ability to function, the child may not be able to do anything about it. The child still has a right to let their parents know that he or she is uncomfortable and try to open a conversation with them. Maybe the child is just concerned that the parents might get into trouble and that this would affect the child too. Whatever the concerns may be, the child should focus on how their parents' drug use affects him or her. The child should not criticize the parents personally; just be specific about his or her own feelings and experiences relating to their drug use.

If parental drug use impacts the parents' behavior in negative ways and impairs their ability to function normally, this advice still applies. But, in this case, the child probably needs to find help. Parental alcohol or other drug abuse does affect their children in serious ways. One of them is that the child feels obliged to take over responsibilities the parents neglect, including rearing younger siblings. Many children try to "fix" their alcohol/drug-abusing parents by being super kids or even amateur counselors. In these efforts, they are likely to fail, and this can have lifelong consequences to their own sense of self. Other kids get the idea that they are the reason their parents abuse drugs. The resulting guilt can stay with them all their lives. These kids need help. In many areas, there are Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) support groups for teens (Alateen). Don't be misled by the apparent focus on alcohol. Nowadays AA addresses use of other drugs as well, because multiple substance use is quite common. There are also Children of Alcoholics support groups in some areas. Again, any type of drug use qualifies. Check the phone book for your area. If it is needed, the child should find a safe place to go with relatives or friends. It is vital that children from such families realize that they did not cause the parental drug use, cannot control it, but can cope with the situation.

Q: What are the resources available for supporting elementary students from drug abusing families?

A: There are a variety of strategies and materials designed to help children in substance abusing families ("COSAs"). These children need support and information to help them survive neglect, emotional stress, and a chaotic family life. Substance abusing parents often give the impression that their children are the problem that causes the drinking or using. COSAs usually try desperately to find ways to help their parent-sometimes by being "model" kids or by trying to remove what they imagine to be the cause of the drinking and using. These children need to learn the "4 Cs": they (1) do not cause it; (2) and (3) cannot cure or control it, and (4) can learn to cope with it.

These principles are reinforced when children discover that they are not alone-that other children face the same problems in their families. This is why support groups are an effective way to help COSAs develop survival skills. Some elementary schools offer COSA groups. Celebrating Families is a new, comprehensive program that includes and updated version of Time for Kids, an excellent program that has been used in many schools. The new version can still be used alone. Visit this website for further information. A CD may be available. If there is a problem contact This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it , the developer of Celebrating Families.

You might also visit the Website of the Children of the Alcoholics Foundation . Given the level of substance abuse among adult parents in America, all schools should offer these brief (usually 6 week support group sessions). Unfortunately, parental permission is required for participation, so not all children who need this kind of help will be identified. But experience has shown that many will be.

Q: Should I tell my kids that I smoked pot in college?

A: You are not alone in struggling with this difficult and very personal question. Many parents of teenagers today experimented with marijuana when they were in college, even high school. They worry that if they admit to their own drug use, it will send an affirmative signal to their teenagers.

Each family must find their own comfort level in divulging past drug use. However, in the spirit of maintaining an honest dialogue with your teenagers, admitting that you experimented might have a positive effect on your relationship.

You may find that you come across as a more credible source of information if your teens believe you know something, first hand, about what they’re experiencing.

If you have stopped using marijuana, you might explain why, and this may be an important lesson to your kids. What happened in your life to influence your decision?

Some parents feel they have to denigrate their past experiences in order to reinforce abstinence messages, even if they actually have no regrets. I believe this approach actually diminishes parents’ credibility because they become less believable to their teens.

Q: What if a parent thinks that pot is basically harmless, non-addictive, etc., and condones the use of it by allowing kids to smoke it, or by smoking with them?

A: This is a very challenging and emotional question. We believe it is crucial to distinguish between morality and actual concrete negative effects. We, as researchers and scientists, do not take a moral position.

There are many parents who believe that marijuana is fundamentally harmless. Usually they have used it themselves without serious consequence. According to Professor Mitch Earleywine, author of Understanding Marijuana (2002), although marijuana is not addictive in the conventional sense of the term, its use does cause problems for approximately nine percent (9%) of users. It is also illegal, putting both adults and their teenagers in jeopardy.

Some parents feel that their teens are safer staying home and avoiding the public use of marijuana, so they allow them to use it in the house. Many of these parents are convinced that their teens will use marijuana anyway, and would prefer the safety of their home to the street. The same attitude is also true for alcohol, and the belief is that it’s better to stay home than drink and drive.

When teens get older, there are those adult marijuana users who believe that, like sharing a beer, there is little harm in smoking with their college-age sons or daughters.

Every parent has to make their own decision about whether to use marijuana, whether to allow their teens to use it in their home, and whether to smoke with them. They should know that while they are keeping their kids off the streets, they may also be contributing to increased use and putting themselves and their teens in a very vulnerable legal position, since marijuana (and alcohol) possession and use is illegal.

Q: I have had problems with substance abuse in the past. How can parents with substance abuse problems (past or current) talk with their kids?

A: It is difficult to tell our children about things we are not proud of or are embarrassed by. However, those experienced with alcohol and other drug (AOD) problems are in a unique position to speak to teens with authority. One way to frame the discussion is, using Dr. Andrew Weil’s metaphor, to talk about people's "relationships" with AOD. People can have positive and negative relationships with AOD. Our job as parents is not only to describe good and bad drug effects, but also to teach our children when a person's relationship with a substance(s) is not healthy or safe.

Parents can use their experiences to illustrate the progression of an unsafe relationship with AOD. By including the positive experiences you may have had, you will be better equipped to demonstrate how, over time, you began to see how your AOD use and your relationship to the drug was interfering with having a fulfilling and happy life. Warning signs of a bad relationship with AOD include:

• When you use a drug when you are working or going to school.
  
  
• When you tell yourself you will not use and you find yourself using anyway.
  
  
• When your relationships to friends, teachers, parents or other important people in your life are impacted by your AOD use.
  
  
• When a majority of your time or money is being spent finding, buying, and using drugs, as well as being hung over as a result of drug use.

Be as honest as you can. Try not to close the door on future discussions by issuing ultimatums or loading your teen with a lot of guilt. Let them know that you hope they do not choose to experiment with AOD, particularly the drugs you yourself had difficulty with, but if they do, assure them that they can count on you to be there for them, no matter what.