Q & A: Controlling Adolescents

Q: My son has been caught smoking marijuana, under-age drinking, and now doing mushrooms. We have grounded him, taken away his privileges, cell phone etc. In light of this most recent drug-taking incident, I have no idea how to punish him. Please advise. Thank you very much. A: We understand how frustrated and anxious you must be. However, punishment hasn't worked so far, so why expect that more punishment will change your son's behavior? The first thing you need to do is take an inventory of what problems his use has caused other than use itself. For example, has his academic performance suffered? Does he have new friends that you see as undesirable? Have there been behavioral problems at school or elsewhere? You need this inventory to make your case to him and others, because he is likely to deny that drug use has caused him any problems other than the punishments you have imposed. In other words, you are the problem as far as he is concerned. By now, your relationship with him has been seriously compromised, and that is also one of the problems resulting from his defiance. So, you need help. Contact your son's school to see if there is a student assistance program or individual counselor who would be able to approach your son from a fresh perspective and provide recommendations on further action. See if there are any intervention/treatment facilities in your area that could do an evaluation and make recommendations about next steps. This is not a hopeless situation, but it is clearly a serious one and you are right to seek assistance. For more resources on treatment, please check out our website at www.safety1st.org/treatment.html. Q: Can we expect to control what adolescents do when they are with their friends? A: Unfortunately, the answer is that you cannot be sure about teens’ activities when they are not with adults. Recently, adolescents are spending less and less time in the company of adults. Even in school, students are not under the control of teachers at all times, nor are they even interacting with an adult most of the time. This situation is inevitable given the nature of society today. As young people progress through adolescence their parents know less and less about what they are doing. In modern cities and suburbs misbehavior does not get back to parents as it did in small towns. It is easy for kids to do their own thing most of the time, and if they choose to do things their parents forbid it is usually possible to keep it from them. Their friends won’t tell either. Relationships are the most important aspect of teens’ lives. If your relationship is good, your adolescent may think twice about doing something he or she knows you do not want them to do. But they may do it anyway because they are curious, want to belong, or simply see the activity as fun. Since they usually do not want to disappoint you, hurt your feelings, or make you angry, they may cut you out of the loop. So no, we cannot control our teens all of the time. But if we have strong relationships with them, we are in a better position to support them if they find themselves in compromising situations.